It still surprises me when, during therapy, I mention something and my therapist points out that I’m thinking in “black and white.”
To be honest, I haven’t known about my borderline personality disorder (BPD) for very long — only about a year or two. But looking back, this kind of thinking (also known as splitting) is the symptom I see most often.
I don’t have any “friends.” I have best friends, and I have acquaintances. I’m afraid of having hobbies, because if I’m not amazing at something, then I must be terrible at it.
It wasn’t even until recently that I even noticed I was thinking so starkly. I don’t know of any “gray area,” because all I can see are “yes” or “no.” Often I feel like a computer, only seeing zero and one. There is nothing else. There’s “on” or “off,” “equal” or “unequal,” “positive” or “negative.” But in the real world, with emotions, come ranges. I don’t have to be amazing or awful at everything. I can also be OK or average or even above average. But for some reason, that’s not enough for me. If I can’t be perfect at something, I don’t even bother trying, and therefore end up proving my point that, actually, I suck at whatever it is.
This thinking has become toxic to me, especially as I’m so often unaware of it. Most of the time, I don’t notice that I’ve become so stubbornly extreme in my mind. Gray? What’s that? It isn’t until someone else, usually my therapist, mentions that there’s middle ground, that I actually realize I’ve been splitting again.
It’s going to take a lot of reminders and constant affirmations but I’d like to think that one day, I’ll be to realize independently when I’m splitting and remind myself how irrational it is.
