One of the worst things about my borderline personality disorder (BPD) is needing constant attention from people — because I am not able to validate myself. Without people’s attention, I feel worthless.
There are times when I feel suicidal. I go through bleak periods when I feel so depressed that I just want to die so I don’t have to feel this anymore. But there are more times when I realize I don’t actually want to die, but I do wish I could make a suicide attempt to get people’s attention.
Lately this has been quite bad. I’m constantly fantasizing about attempting suicide and ending up in hospital. I had two favorite people who both left me last year. I think if I end up in the hospital, maybe they’ll feel guilty for leaving me. If I contact a friend and they don’t reply, then I end up in the hospital, I hope they’ll think “I should have replied, maybe I could have stopped this.” I visualize my manager telling my team at work that I am in hospital because I made a suicide attempt, and I think about people coming to visit me and sending me nice texts and emails saying they’re really sorry and that they care about me and don’t want me to die.
I also feel like no one will understand how bad I feel unless I do something dramatic like this. I try and explain it, but people tell me I am overreacting. Sometimes I feel like trying to kill myself is the only way to make people see I need help. That no one will understand otherwise.
I feel so ashamed of these feelings. I’m aware that I probably sound manipulative and selfish. And I hate myself for that every minute of every day. I feel like the worst person in the world. I’m publishing this under a false name, because I feel like people will hate me if they know this is how I feel. What kind of bad person wants to make a suicide attempt to get attention?
Yet I know this is just part of my BPD. It’s a symptom of my illness. And I realize that instead of hating myself, I should show myself compassion for having such low self-esteem that I feel this is the only way people will care about me.
Several things stop me from going through with it. I don’t really want to die, not really. What if actually die? I also couldn’t do that to my wife. I know she would be lost without me. I also know if I attempted and didn’t die, she would find it hard to forgive me, especially if she knew I had done it for attention. She thinks suicide is a selfish act, and while that attitude might not be helpful, I still know I could ruin my relationship. And life would be even harder without her. I also know I get addicted to attention. I may get attention for a suicide attempt, but once I have got better and the sympathy has worn off, it would be harder for me to carry on as normal, having gotten used to that attention. I also know some people wouldn’t give me the attention I wanted, but would instead avoid me as they wouldn’t know how to respond to me. Which would make me feel even more alone.
But sometimes I worry these urges are going to get so strong that one day I will give in to them.
